Oval Office Cold Open – SNL


[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>>EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT. I’M HEADING HOME FOR THE NIGHT,
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?>>NO, THANK YOU, DAVID.
BUT HEY, HOW DO YOU LIKE WORKING AT THE WHITE HOUSE?
ARE YOUR PARENTS PROUD?>>I TELL THEM I WORK AT
APPLEBEE’S.>>IT’S GREAT.
ONE MORE THING, YOU KNOW I LOVE MY DAUGHTER IVANKA AND HER
HUSBAND JARED. THEY ALWAYS KEEP ME SO CALM AND
MAKE SURE I DON’T DO ANYTHING TOO CRAZY.
>>THAT’S TRUE, SIR.>>QUICK QUESTION, ARE THEY
GONE?>>YES, THEY DON’T WORK ON
SHABBAT.>>PERFECT.
WHEN THE JEWS ARE AWAY, THE GOYS WILL PLAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO SENT IN STEVE BANNON.
[ CREEPY MUSIC PLAYING ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HELLO, DONALD. I HAVE ARRIVED.
>>STEVE, YOU LOOK RESTED.>>THANK YOU.
>>NOT ME, I’VE HAD A LONG DAY. I’M TIRED AND CRANKY.
AND I FEEL LIKE I COULD JUST FREAK OUT ON SOMEBODY.
>>MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL AUSTRALIA.
>>REALLY? I MEAN, I HAVEN’T BEEN BRIEFED
OR ANYTHING. BUT WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
LET’S DO IT.>>HELLO, PRIME MINISTER
TURNBULL.>>YES, HELLO, IT’S THE DONALD.
>>PRESIDENT TRUMP, HOW ARE YOU? I HEARD THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF
BLOWBACK OVER YOUR MUSLIM BAN.>>NO, THERE WASN’T, EVERYONE
LOVES IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE HAD TO DO IT BECAUSE OF THAT HUGE MASSACRE AT BOWLING GREEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>NEVER HEARD OF THAT ONE.
>>YEAH, IT WAS HORRIBLE. SO MANY PEOPLE DIED, BUT
ACTUALLY, THEY’RE THE LUCKY ONES.
THEY DON’T HAVE TO SEE HOW BAD “THE APPRENTICE” HAS GOTTEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>MR. TRUMP, THANK YOU FOR
STILL ACCEPTING OUR REFUGEES.>>HOMIE SAY WHAT?
>>PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID AMERICA WOULD ACCEPT 1,200 REFUGEES.
YOUR COUNTRY’S COMPASSION WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN.
>>NO, NO REFUGEES. AMERICA FIRST, AUSTRALIA SUCKS,
YOUR REEF IS FAILING, PREPARE TO GO TO WAR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] STEVE, I THINK THAT WENT BAD.
WAS THAT BAD?>>NO, IT WENT JUST ACCORDING TO
PLAN.>>WHOSE PLAN?
YOUR PLAN?>>NO, YOUR PLAN.
>>OKAY, GOOD. LET’S CALL MEXICO.
I FIGURED OUT A SMART DIPLOMATIC WAY TO GET THEM TO PAY FOR THE
WALL.>>HOLA?
PRESIDENT NIETO?>>GUY WHO’S GOING TO PAY FOR
THE WALL SAYS WHAT?>>QUE?
>>GUY WHO’S GOING TO PAY FOR THE WALL SAYS WHAT?
>>QUE?>>NO, YOU HAVE TO SAY “WHAT.”
>>HA HA HA, YOU SAID WHAT, YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THE
WALL.>>NO, YOU PAY, LOSER, YOU BOD
HOMBRE. HERE COME OUR TANKS, GET READY
TO GO TO WAR. STEVE, I’M GETTING TOO WORKED
UP, MAYBE I SHOULD STOP.>>OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL
GERMANY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>OKAY.>>HELLO?
IS THIS MY SWEET BARACK? BARACK OBAMA, I MISS YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>NO, IT’S DONALD TRUMP.
>>AH, GROSS. HI, DONALD.
ARE YOUR PEOPLE STILL PROTESTING?
>>YES, EVERYONE IS MARCHING IN THE STREET, THEY’RE SO UPSET HOW
BAD “THE APPRENTICE” HAS GOTTEN.>>THANK YOU SO MUCH —
>>A VERY IMPORTANT UP AND COMER, HIS NAME IS FREDERICK
DOUGLASS. [ LAUGHTER ]
I’M TRYING TO GET HOLD OF HIM RIGHT NOW, HE’S VERY BUSY, NOW.
>>THAT IS VERY COOL, DONALD. I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO —
>>ALSO I WANT TO BE SERIOUS FOR A SECOND.
LAST WEEK IT WAS HOLOCAUST REMEMBRANCE DAY.
AS YOU KNOW, 6 MILLION PEOPLE WERE AT MY INAUGURATION.
[ LAUGHTER ] THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE AT MY
INAUGURATION. THE MEDIA REFUSES TO COVER IT,
SO UNFAIR. ONE DAY I’M GOING TO WRITE A
MEMOIR ABOUT THIS STRUGGLE AND CALL IT “MY STRUGGLE.”
[ LAUGHTER ] WHAT WOULD THAT BE IN GERMAN?
ANGELA?>>MY NAME IS AN-GEL-LA.
>>DON’T CORRECT ME, I’M IN CHARGE NOW, GERMANY SUCKS, YOUR
WALL FAILED, PREPARE TO GO TO WAR.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>THAT WAS HILARIOUS.>>THANK YOU, STEVE, THANK YOU.
OH, I JUST HAD A GREAT IDEA, WATCH THIS.
>>HELLO?>>HELLO, CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU’VE JUST WON A FREE CRUISE FOR TWO TO HAWAII, ALL YOU NEED
IS YOUR COUNTRY’S CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
>>WE’RE NOT PAYING FOR THE WALL, DONALD.
>>YES, YOU ARE. [ LAUGHTER ]
STEVE, ALL OF OUR SO-CALLED ALLIES ARE BEING SO
MEAN TO ME.>>WHY DON’T YOU CALL SOME
RANDOM LITTLE COUNTRY, SHOW THEM WHO’S BOSS?
>>WHAT ABOUT ZIMBABWE?>>PERFECT.
SHOW THEM THE MIGHT OF AMERICA.>>HELLO?
>>ZIMBABWE, THIS IS THE NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN.
>>WAIT, IS THIS DONALD TRUMP?>>YES.
>>YOU THINK YOU ARE DICTATOR? I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SPINE!
AND DRINK FROM YOUR SKULL! YOU CANNOT EVEN WALK DOWNSTAIRS,
YOU LITTLE WHITE BITCH! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DON’T YOU EVER CALL ZIMBABWE AGAIN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>OKAY, DONALD.
THAT’S ENOUGH FUN FOR TONIGHT. CAN I HAVE MY DESK BACK?
>>YES, OF COURSE, MR. PRESIDENT.
I’LL GO SIT AT MY DESK, YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]>>SO MUCH FUN, I LOVE IT.
>>YEAH, THIS IS FUN. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

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