-I want to wish everyone
a happy new year. I saw that, for 2020,
a lot of people are making the resolution
to drink more water. That’s why for the last six
days, college kids have woken up next to a pile
of empty Coors Lights. -Oh.
-This is fun. I saw that people
are participating in the 2020 tipping challenge. Have you heard about this?
It’s where you tip waiters $20.20 in honor of the new year. Waiters heard that,
and they’re like, “That’s great, except
your bill was $500, so…” Let’s get to some news. The big stories.
Everything going on with Iran. A little scary. But on the bright side,
it’s the first time Trump’s ever said “I” and “ran”
in the same sentence. [ Laughter ] That’s right. There’s
so much going on right now. Tensions with Iran are high. People are worried
about World War III. Tom Brady and
the New England Patriots got knocked out of the NFL
playoffs in the first round. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Steve laughs ] Justin Bieber
just released a new song. [ Cheers and applause ] Called “Yummy.” -Mmm. -And Papa John’s founder
John Schnatter says his New Year’s resolution
is to eat 50 pizzas in 30 days. These are all big stories.
A lot to go over. Let’s just jump in
and cover it all at once. It’s time for a “News Smash.” ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] First up, since President Trump
ordered a strike on Iran’s top general,
people have been warning that World War III
could break out. A lot of experts say
the strike was a bad idea. Almost as bad as… eating 50 pizzas in 30 days. Papa John says he’s doing it to
test the quality of the pizza. But that’s
a pretty unhealthy diet. You know who definitely
doesn’t eat like that? Tom Brady. Saturday, his Patriots got
knocked out of the playoffs. Football fans still call him
the greatest of all time, while every woman in Boston
still calls him… Yummy. Justin Bieber’s new song just
dropped, and in the music video, he eats cake, Jell-o,
and lobster. Which is still better for you
than eating… 50 pizzas in 30 days. Seriously, eating like that is like looking
at your stomach and… declaring war. If he wants to avoid
a bigger conflict, Trump needs to talk things out
with Iran. Earlier today, he was like… “Is it too late now
to say sorry?” Justin Bieber’s back
with another single. He’s young.
He’s on top of his game. He’s pretty much
the opposite of…Tom Brady. He had a solid year,
but just like that, it’s over. You could tell Brady’s depressed
because ever since he lost, all he’s been eating is…
Papa John’s. Listen. 50 pizzas in 30 days
isn’t a New Year’s resolution. It’s a death wish.
It’s all over. Kind of like….
the Patriots season. Still, Brady says
he’ll play until he’s 45. Either he’s serious
or he’s totally full of… Papa John’s. So, in conclusion,
have a safe new year. Have a Yummy new year. Have an intervention this year. Maybe next year. [ Cheers and applause ] Listen to this.
Before the Iran strike, Trump told some guests at
Mar-a-Lago that something huge was coming,
but he never told Congress. Which means
there’s a really good chance that Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath
heard about the strike before Nancy Pelosi. Past presidents
including George W. Bush declined taking out
Iran’s top commander because it could lead to war. You know things are bad when
even George W. Bush was like, “This could really mess
things up in the Middle East.” After the attack, Iran said it was pulling out of
the 2015 nuclear deal. So this morning, Trump tweeted, “Iran will never have
a nuclear weapon.” Because nothing calms tensions quite like an all-caps threat
on social media. According to a new poll,
Republicans’ top choices for president in 2024 include
Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. Meanwhile,
Eric just got his tongue unstuck from a pole he licked
on Christmas. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] That’s good. That’s good.
-Maybe Senate. -Some 2020 news —
I saw that Bernie Sanders is now in a three-way tie for
first place in New Hampshire. [ Cheers and applause ] And if one of your New Year’s
resolutions was to “eat less,” just remember the phrase “Bernie Sanders
is now in a three-way.” [ Laughter ] Well, last night was
the Golden Globe Awards, and Russell Crowe won
for his role in the mini series
“The Loudest Voice.” When he heard that,
Bernie Sanders was like, “How the hell
did I not win that?!” Tonight was the season premiere
of “The Bachelor.” We love that show. I love “The Bachelor.” I’m excited.
The new bachelor is Peter. He’s actually a pilot for Delta. When he’s sitting by the fire
on the date and the girl asks for a blanket,
he’ll be like, “That’ll be nine dollars.” [ Laughter ] Police in Pennsylvania
are investigating after someone intentionally released bedbugs
in a Walmart changing room. -What?
-Luckily, no one was affected mostly because everyone
at Walmart just tries on pants right in the aisles. No rules there.
-“Fit!” -And, finally, listen to this.
I read about some high-school students in Michigan who built the world’s tallest
toilet-paper pyramid. Take a look at this. Yeah. If you want to see that
toilet-paper pyramid in person, it’s currently right outside
Papa John’s bathroom. We have a great show.